Frustration

I am very frustrated this evening.

The only problem with having a weekend to mingle amongst the amazing folks at Paganicon is coming back to the struggle of every day life. I feel fluid, but my environment feels terribly stuck.

Change is frightening, especially when you’re not the one instigating it. That fear shouldn’t be holding me back as badly as it is.

I need to quit my day job.

I need to work more on moving further on the path I have chosen.

I feel as if I’m being held back by false obligation and external fear.

And I’m tired of it. So. Tired.

It sinks into my bones and aches there like a physical pain.

That fatigue is laced with a dull sort of anger. It smolders just under the surface, ready to burst into an irrational inferno at the least bit of provocation.

I find myself not caring anymore about what other people want, and guilt joins that toxic brew roiling within my gut.

And then – hollowness. Nihilism. What’s the point? Why bother any more?

Is there something wrong with me? Am I the only one who feels that way from time to time?

Hello? Am I alone here? Is this personal darkness unique? Is this terrible, oppressive pitch a common experience?

Is everyone else simply too afraid to acknowledge it?

This is something I’ve struggled with on and off for quite a while. I know it lowers my energy levels, and I will be smudging soon to clear the place again.

Still, it’s such a lonely place to be. It’s like the dark of the moon. I can’t help but think this is the Crone paying me a visit.

I can almost feel the warm, dry touch of her fingertips on my cheek. Her soft, cracked voice whispers in my ear “Don’t be afraid of this, little one. This is life as well. Learn to live with this. Accept these phases and become stronger for them. The light will come again, and your cycle will start anew.”

Strangely, I feel a little better.

I know I must sleep for the night soon.

Although I had wanted to attend to several things online today, only to have what little time not dedicated to a pointless job stolen away, tomorrow is another day.

Perhaps dreams will help a solution rise to the surface.

Today was a rough day.

To be honest, today was simply the latest rough day in a long line of rough days.

Usually, when I come home from one of those terrible, awful days, I want nothing more than to curl up and sleep it off, but today? Well, today was different.

Today provided a wake-up call. I have some changes to make, and they're changes which have been a very, very long time in coming.

See, I've been caught in a line of work which really doesn't fit me at all. I sit at a computer all day, enter data, deal with people and enforce rules. Every morning, I wake up and have absolutely no desire to get out of bed to go to this job.

Before that, I worked in retail. I'd be up at 2 am to get to the store at 6 am, and run myself ragged until the end of the shift. More misery in the name of a paycheck.

Why have I kept doing that to myself? Why have I kept making myself physically, mentally and emotionally ill for all of these years in this pointless cycle of pain?

Society has a strange way of tricking us into thinking that we need to do this to survive. "I'll just suffer through another 8-10 hours today. I need to. I have no choice," is what we tell ourselves day in and day out.

We're constantly told that people who are able to make a living at something they enjoy are 'lucky' - as if they've had their good fortune handed to them by the Happy-Fairy. Is that really the case? Aren't these same people the ones who poured their hearts and souls into doing what they love? Why don't more of us do that? Wouldn't the world as a whole be a happier and healthier place if more of us could dig deep and find the courage to not only strive for what's right, but also our own fulfillment?

Furthermore, why can't we take care of each other while seeking out our own paths? We're each given our natural talents, passions and affinities for a reason, after all. How else did civilization become established?

Yes, there was independent and communal sacrifice - that's a part of the cycle - but each individual still needs to rely on another individual for something. It may be something as simple as moral support or as complicated as medical care, but we are still all people making our ways through life.

I'm in a period of transition, now.

I've approached the precipice of change, I'm peering over the edge and I'm building up the gumption to take the leap. My heart rate kicks up a few beats, my energy surge and adrenalin courses through my veins.

I can fly. This little birdie just needs to take the leap, and I know I can fly.

Moment

Have you ever had a moment where everything was so vivid, so still and serene that you scarcely believe it was reality? A single moment where your mind and soul were at peace, where your consciousness drifted with the currents of life, and you knew – you just knew – that this is what it is to be alive?

Over the past several weeks, I’ve been struggling with some medical issues. The doctor I’d been seeing has been useless, work has been far more stressful because of the worry, and the tension has been coming home with me because of it.

However, the weather has been warming, finally, and the sun has been shining all week long. Yesterday, I came home from work, changed into jeans and a t-shirt and went into our yard while my husband cooked us dinner.

I was pretty exhausted. The obligations of the day and home ownership, as well as the desire to work on my pet projects were weighing heavily on me.

At that point, however, I was free to do what I wished. The sun felt so good, and the breeze was just cooling enough to keep the warmth from becoming too much. Our lawn looked so soft and comfortable. It was absolutely perfect for some sky-gazing.

So, I lay down, propped my hands behind my head and stared into the pristine blue of the sky. Unfortunately, my primary problem is a visual one, and that beautiful, bright blue made it worse. So I closed my eyes.

I let myself drift. It was one of those few times where a meditative state came perfectly naturally. My body was at ease, and my mind was at rest.

I simply was.

After a few moments, I think I fell into a light nap, because I didn’t remember turning onto my side and curling into my usual semi-fetal sleeping position. When next I opened my eyes, however, I was on my side, and the sun was shining brightly through our neighbor’s trees.

Each blade of grass radiated verdant shade of green. The infant leaves of our budding burning bush flickered gently in the soft wind. Small insects danced like the fae in the fading sunlight. I was on observer, but I was also a part of it. It was as if I flittered with the sprites on the wind, but remained rooted, like the blooming foliage around me.

I wasn’t tired anymore. The ever present conflict was gone, and I felt as if I could simply breathe again.

The memory of that moment is what’s been keeping me going today. Life does continue, regardless of what’s going on in the human dramas we’re forced into. Funny how those small moments of stillness can remind us of the perfection right at our fingertips.

Green Around the Gills

…literally! Anyone who knows me in person or sees me on a regular basis around the interwebs already knows that last Friday, I had my last two wisdom teeth out. The recovery has been far from smooth, but I’m finally to the point of making it through the day without resorting to prescription pills for relief. Admittedly, today was a near thing, but sun’s long since below the horizon as I type this, and the pain has ebbed to a very tolerable level. Oh, yes, this is a very good thing.

By the way, he bruising is at the lovely yellow/green phase for the most part and on my cheek/jaw. See what I did with the title? Eh? Eh? Anyone? Yeah, anyway, lame humor aside…

I’ve been putting a lot off due to this surgery, because I knew I wouldn’t physically be able to get much of anything done until I was healed enough to move around without extreme discomfort and exhaustion.

Apparently, however, life’s been throwing subtle little signals at me that I do need to start intensifying my focus, listening to my instincts more, get off my rear and hustle.

How so, you ask?

SHARK!! AH!

Now, now, don’t worry. All limbs are still firmly in place. I’ve not been taking dips in shark tanks or anything, but Shark has been showing up in different forms over the course of the past few days.

Between posts on Deviant Art, the beer my husband brought home this evening, TV commercials, and random stories on yahoo.com (links way below), I feel like I’ve been smacked upside the head hard enough to take note.

As an empath, the fact that such a sleek, powerful creature resides so successfully in water – the element of emotion – strikes a cord with me. It’s so ridiculously easy to get swept away by the barrage of constant emotion being thrown my way. For a long time, I was lost and hurting badly because of it.

If you’ve ever watched a shark swim, you’d note that it never stops moving. It uses its entire body to slice through its domain with calm, masterful grace. In fact, it has to keep moving – otherwise, it would die. Oxygenated water wouldn’t be passing over its gills, and since that’s how they breathe, for all intents and purposes, they’d suffocate.

Now that I think about it, my years learning Aikido and Tai Chi Chuan taught me something similar. You want to be moving before your attacker can land their strike, and continue your movement in concert with theirs in order to redirect their force to your advantage.

Like the Shark, we need to keep our ki (chi, life force, whatever you want to call it) moving. Clear out those chakras, open those meridians, breathe in your world and live the current. If we go stagnant, depression sets in, mold starts growing and things only go downhill from there.

Speaking of growth, I’ve always found shark teeth to be fascinating. Shark’s teeth are constantly being shed and renewed. It’s really a pretty interesting parallel between my surgery and the attachments getting taken away with the unneeded, damaging teeth, making room in my psyche/aura for new growth. Granted, some of those attachments will be harder to let go than others, but they’re no longer needed, and therefore, no longer welcome.

This also goes along nicely with the fact that sharks have a tendency to stick to areas in which their bodies are best adapted. They’ve evolved to waste as little energy as possible in order to survive.

We humans tend to get bogged down by stuff we don’t really need – physical and energetic. It’s not necessarily the individual’s fault right at the beginning, either. We’re raised thinking ‘more is better’, and back in the days of the hunter/gatherer, that was very true. The group with access to more food, more tools, more clothing was more likely to survive to pass on their genes to the next generation than the group without those things. It’s rooted deeply within our physical survival mechanisms, after all. As our living situations change, however, so must we.

That leads me to the next point - strength in flexibility. Shark’s skeleton is composed completely by cartilage instead of bone. While cartilage isn’t as hard as bone, it’s still extremely strong, and more flexible. As a result, this provides for smooth movement through the currents. We don’t need to be unyielding to be strong. Many times, flexibility is far more valuable than rock-solid strength.

To further incorporate that need for flexibility is the extreme sensitivity Shark possesses. Their hearing and smell is enormously acute. In addition to that, they have some sort of electronic sensitivity that enables them to sense potential prey from a great distance. I haven’t read enough about it to know much about the mechanics, but as soon as I did see it mentioned, I immediately thought of the sixth sense some of us are particularly attuned to.

Hone that enough, and it can be used to help us navigate through the currents of our own lives. For all of their fierce countenance and sleek grace, sharks are very good judges of the subtle cues laced throughout the water. Their intense auditory and olfactory talents help to determine what’s palatable and what’s not when it’s closer up, but that mysterious, electronic sense is what leads them to that point of judgment.

Oddly enough, my ear has been clogged pretty firmly for the past few weeks. It’s been driving me kind of crazy, because my own sense of hearing is usually extremely good. I’ve had the feeling that it was some sort of message, but since Shark has started showing up in my life, it’s been starting to clear. I guess my new aquatic buddy has been talking to me for a while, and I’ve just been too stubborn to hear it? Sure wouldn’t be the first time!

Now for a clumsy transition! I’m good at those.

Some current shark species have been around for 100 million years. In fact, some sources say that fossils from shark ancestors have been found to be over 450 million years old. Pretty impressive, huh? There is wisdom in the ancient cultures, and constants throughout to watch for. Learn from others’ mistakes, for we are all connected – past, present, future.

Actually, the martial arts provide for good insight into ancient wisdom, too. Now that the weather is finally warming up, I’ll be taking more walks along the Mississippi and checking out that dojo I found a while back.

Lastly, I bring up the first thing we think of when we hear or read about sharks: the attacks by the Great Whites. In all honesty, like all animals, the shark is neither bad nor good – it just is. According to what I’ve read, those attacks are usually over territory or perception of self-protection. Even then, only certain species will attack at all. Other species will just swim off.

Oddly enough, that little factoid reminds me of the rabbit totem and how they handle their territory – fight for the turf or run from the threat and find somewhere new to settle.

So, conclusions? Well, you’re very welcome to come to your own. If you’d like to share, feel free.

As for mine? Heh, I think I’ll let all of that ruminate while I move on with my life.

Links – 

Shark Tooth Pendant  - crafted of clay. Excellent work, too. I thought it was real when I first saw it pop up on my watch list!

Link from Yahoo - Kayaker's close encounter with a shark

Landshark Lager - The bottle amuses me greatly

Resources - 

Shark Totem and Symbolic Meanings

Animal Totems - Pretty decent explanation of different types of totems as well

Fast Facts About Sharks

Facts and Information About Shark - Great site. Lots of good info.

Unity of Disasters

As anyone who hasn’t been living in isolation knows, Japan was struck by a powerful earthquake, followed swiftly by massive tsunami waves. Also in the news, at least out here in the Midwest US, Wisconsin’s state government has been in turmoil over their budget – or more specifically, the rights of the unionized workers.

Now, I’m putting the politics aside, because, honestly? Infighting gets us nowhere, and I’m sick of being preached at from both ends of the spectrum. You’re all right in some respects, and you’re all wrong in others. Take the ego out of it, step back, and take a third person’s POV for a change.

So how am I linking these two events together? Trauma and survival. Also, the vast discrepancy of what people have, vs. what they don’t have.

First – trauma and survival. The natural disaster is an obvious tie in to that topic, but the goings on in Wisconsin also involves trauma and survival on a number of different levels.

For one – the workers. I’m not getting into the whole benefits/bargaining rights/what have you. Instead, I’m focusing more on the basic need for an income. Everyone needs an income of some sort in order to survive in today’s world. This is especially true in the harsh climate Wisconsin gets to suffer through in the winter, where a night without shelter during the wrong night could very easily translate into freezing to death. People will be losing their jobs, and by extension, homes, over this, and entire families will be put into strife because of it. They will enter into a period of survival-mode, and that will traumatize a number of people.

For another – the politicians. In some ways, their situation isn’t quite as dire as some of the workers’, but in others, it is worse. On both sides of the isle, the politicians and their families have been getting death threats. The governor’s lawn has even been set on fire. It’s not right, but that’s what anger does to people.

The survival situation in Japan is much, much more severe, granted, but people are fighting for their lives in both situations, albeit in very different ways.

Will people make these sorts of connections? The commonality of human suffering in the face of either personal or wide-spread disaster? Not likely. It’s just a parallel that snapped into place within my head.

When money and power enter the equation, survival of other people is less important than our own selfish desires. My husband made a comment about how the fact that I pay taxes to help fund public works through my private sector job bothers him, while public sector, unionized workers don’t need to pay nearly as much for health insurance and the like. He started getting heated about it when I told him that no, it really doesn’t bother me that they pay so much less than we do. That’s what unions are for, aren’t they? To ensure better working environments for their members?

Why should it matter to me that a person who pays union dues, who stands with that particular organization and who works a job that allows unionization doesn’t spend as much money on health/dental insurance as I do in my non-unionized job? If I had the choice, I’d quit this job in a heartbeat, but circumstances in life don’t allow that to happen.

So, no, it doesn’t bother me. I remember all too clearly the days of struggling to make ends meet for us both while in a low-income job. Much as I hate my current job, I’m very happy to be able to not worry about money as much, and to have some to put aside for things I wouldn’t have been able to afford before.

This brings me to the other strange sort of connection that I see between the two events. Those who have vs. those who have not.

The thing about natural disasters is that we’re all brought down to the same, fundamental level. Live or die. Money doesn’t matter when the world is washed out from around you. Social power is meaningless when the walls are crushing in against you. Most times, the only way you can survive is to trust that someone else is going to help you out.

People tend to act like ill-mannered children bickering over candy in the political world, but put many of these same people in a disaster situation, and I’m betting that a good number of them would do whatever they could to ensure not only their own survival, but also that of others around them. It’s less of a matter of ethical/moral code, and more a matter of instinct. Survival of others does indeed equal our own survival.

I feel ridiculously privileged to have what and who I do. I’m lucky beyond words to live the life I have. While this disaster horrifies me, twists my gut sixty ways to next week and beats at my emotional walls, it also highlights just how fortunate I am. It also brings out the instinct to want to help in any way I can.

What does it matter what anyone else has? How can I help those who’ve had everything ripped away from them?

There are days I feel so lost in the day to day. I have surgery coming up next week, which was filling my consciousness since being scheduled, but suddenly; it seems a whole lot less important than it did yesterday.

I’ll be fine.

I still have my home. I still have my family, and I have comfort in knowing that people I care about are safe, at least for now.

Many, many others don’t have those things, and that extends beyond the tragedy in Japan. There is so much more suffering out there that I don’t know about, and honestly, it’s better that I don’t know about it all. The helplessness would be entirely too consuming, and once again, I’d lose sight of what I do have to live for.

So, why should I waste my time and energy worrying about what other people have, when I have all that I need, now? Why should I get upset that so-and-so is paying less than I am for this or that, when someone else is in dire need of assistance that I may be able to provide, if even in some small way?

I am very grateful for my life. I am very grateful for the people that fill it. I only hope that I can give someone else something to be grateful for as well.

In this vast, yet very small, world, how can we really make a difference for the better in another’s life?

In closing – I’ll offer up the following links to help with the disaster relief effort in Japan -

Japan disaster: How you can help 

How To Help Japan: Earthquake Relief Options  

American Red Cross 

Japan Earthquake and Tsunami Relief Fund 

Interconnected

By nature, I tend to be a very solitary person. As far as I can remember, I always have been. I need a fair amount of time to myself in order to decompress from any lengthy period of socialization in order to feel balanced and to ease my temper. As I write this, I sit alone in my little room with the door closed and meditative music playing in the background. My husband is in the living room, watching the television as it jabbers maddeningly away.

Hiding in my corner with my laptop is my own little form of defiance this evening, thank you.

He doesn’t seem to understand my need for either music or silence after what feels like days’ worth of psychic abuse at the hands of the world at large. Most people I talk to about this don’t understand. I suppose that puts me in the minority with those few others who do have a higher degree of sensitivity.

If I don’t get that alone time, I start seeing being social as a burden too heavy to bother carrying. Everyone wants something from me. Everyone wants to suck me dry for their own selfish reasons. Bear in mind, intellectually, I realize that isn’t the case, but I find myself getting emotionally burned out if I don’t take that care of myself.

Now, I’m sure there are medical terms for this, and I’m sure I could be diagnosed with some condition or another, since this doesn’t seem to be ‘normal’ by society’s standards, but as I learn more about myself and more about the empathy I’ve struggled with, the more the need for that recharge period makes sense.

There’s nothing wrong with me, at least insofar as this particular aspect goes. Everyone needs down time to some degree or another. We’re not supposed to, by the ‘working woman’s’ model. We’re supposed to work forty or more hours a week, maintain a perfect house, be a loving mate and pop out 2.5 kids, and be happy about it, damnit.

Tired of that particular expectation? Me? No! Not at all! I don’t know what sarcasm is either.

Personally, I feel bad for the .5 kid. Talk about an inferiority complex.

Anyway, as I was trudging home from yet another frustrating day at work, I was thinking about this. My husband had a bad day, too, and he had called me before I got home to ask me something he could have addressed when I got home – a sure sign of stress on his end. Because of this, I knew that I’d be denied any sort of alone time outside of maybe a shower, unless I imposed my own brand of self-exile. The thought didn’t appeal.

How do we get to that point? When even the thought of spending time with people you love brings a sense of dread to the gut?

I read an excellent book not long ago, Dancing in the Streets: A History of Collective Joy, by Barbara Ehrenreich, in which she talks about the industrialization of society.

When we were still developing the structure of the village or town, there was unity in the need to survive. The most labor happened during the warmer months, which involved growing crops, harvesting bounty and preparing for cold, hard winters. When the harvests did happen, festivity was able to happen as well. Life should be celebrated, after all. The sun, the moon, the tides and the seasons are all expressions of divinity reflected in our very bodies.

If the spring, summer and fall went well, winters could be used for rest and familial bonding as well as a sort of quiet appreciation of survival.

As the population grew, however, the need for more structured rule arose with the means of mass production of food and other essencials. Conflict is just as natural a part of human nature as the creativity and discovery allowed to bud.

In order for any group to survive, there needs to be a way to resolve that conflict with minimal damage, and humanity discovered various forms of governance, starting with religious rule and growing, at least in America, into a more commercial based system. Those in positions of power may pay lip service to serving our best, but most of the ruling structures are heavily influenced by corporations, unfortunately.

Regardless of politics, the hierarchies of power do leak down into our every day lives, whether we know it or not. If you don’t have a car for whatever reason, you’re somehow less of a person. If your interests don’t run along the lines of sports or the latest, greatest reality show, there’s something wrong with you.

People regard me with a mixture of surprise, concern and a little bit of fear when I tell them that I take public transportation. How do I survive without a car? How can I stand being around so many strangers?

Like getting to Carnegie Hall, practice makes perfect. Apparently, the subway works pretty well, too.

When talking about a crowd, nine times out of ten, the term “mob mentality” comes up conversation. Even concerts are seen with a certain degree of fear. The lack of order frightens people. A group becomes this huge, living, thing ready to crush the solitary individual to death.

That can be true, given the wrong triggers, but a group of people can demonstrate a sense of peaceful unity when put in the right context. While we are each unique individuals, we are all interconnected on a deep, subtle level that has been lost sight of in day to day life.

I’ve been fortunate enough to take part in circles of like minded people, classes, chants, choir performances and the hypnotic rhythm of the dance floor. The emotion which can flood the senses is amazing and can be very cleansing. The endorphins brought up by the movement alone sure help, too.

City life has warped that sense of oneness, however. Each person is focused on rushing from point A to point B, or getting this, this and this done before X time at which point they need to do something else, otherwise they’ll need to face the consequences of not being superhuman enough to meet all expectations thrown their way.

Odd, suddenly I don’t feel so bad about being stressed out all the time. Strange, I can suddenly understand why everyone else around me is stressed out all the time.

Hmm…do you see a theme there?

Gathering with people loses its joy when you’re faced with others just as much at their breaking point as you are day in and day out, after all.

It’s very easy to lose sight of the fact that the others rushing around are just as human as you are, and that many of them are just lost in the daily grind of expectation. Small things like lint on a shirt are enough to tip many people I know off into a rant on how frustrating and terrible things are because of the overstimulation thrust upon them.

This gathering of anxiety and frustration only serves to shove us further apart and encourage us to forget our fundamental bonds with one another. Something as simple as a shared laugh can break the tension. The bounce of an infectious song can bring a smile to a face in need.

We are all people, after all. Regardless of what the media and societal ideals may try to tell us, no one is better than anyone else when it comes right down to it.

Uh-oh, my idealist side is showing here.

I see connection between the bits and pieces of past lives that I do remember. I know that those closest to me have been close in other incarnations as well. There is a reason for people coming in and out of my current life, although I usually don’t know what that reason is.

Whether you share those beliefs with me or not, no one can deny the fundamental need to breathe. No one can deny the need to eat, or the need for shelter, water and enough safety to grow strong enough to fend for ourselves in some form or another.

The basics get lost in the day to day, and when those are forgotten, compassion goes right down the drain.

I suppose that’s the real reason why I need my alone time. It is in part to unwind, but it is also to remember these small things.

Creativity can’t happen without some sort of inner peace.

Life can’t continue without some form of love.

Our neighborhood bunnies are pretty shady.

As I was walking up to our house, I saw one sitting on the snow-drift in front of our bedroom window, plotting a way to get in. If we had any fine silverware, I'd be hiding it. Punk rabbits...

And of course, as soon as I log on to the internet afternoon, what's the first thing I see? Not one, but two pictures related in some way to rabbits.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! AM I TO MAKE BUNNY STEW?!

...I did make beef stew the day before yesterday, and it. Was. Nommy.

Ahem. My husband's cooking...therefore my stomach took control for a minute there.

So, let's see what the bunny totem tells us! Synchronicities should not go ignored because...then they just keep going, and going, and going, just like - the Energizer Rabbit! (Gah!)

What stands out to me the most from this page is the bit about teaching us how to confront our fears, but still having the wisdom of knowing when to fight or when to run away.

"He teaches us to listen carefully to what is going on in our environment so we can accurately use our intuition when in danger."

Being more present - that's something I haven't been doing enough of lately. Granted, I've been pretty sick for the past several weeks with one thing or another, but work, combined with a few things at home, have been prompting me to escape into my head, rather than seek out new experiences.

Hm. Good thing I'm going out on Sunday, huh?

Rabbits are also seen as good luck in our society. Although it's not so great for the rabbit, rabbit's feet key chains are said to bring luck, after all. Will mine turn?

I've the feeling that it will if I do start waking up again and following the signals the universe is beating me upside the head with.

Huh, it also just dawned on me that rabbit is prey to my primary totem - the Hawk. There's a unique relationship. It's actually sort of amusing, in a way, Squirrel was hanging around me when I first noticed Hawk, too.

That's an interesting comment on balance, the relationship between predator and prey, yin/yang, fuzzy mammal/feathered raptor.

If I get the chance, perhaps I'll meditate further on it.